Fancy Zella turns 4!

Our sweet Zella has turned 4 years old! 

She has matured so much this last year, especially becoming a big sister. 

She has been in Speech Therapy this last year and has worked hard and really improved. She also participated in a little combo dance class. She made some really cute friends, and had lots of fun learning how to move her cute little body:) She still loves reading, princesses, and singing. She has really enjoyed being a Sunbeam, and has been developing a special little testimony of Jesus. We are so happy Zella is apart of our lives, she's simply the best. I asked her the same questions from when she turned 3, I guess somethings don't change. I am excited to continue doing this every year:)

3 Year Old Zella...

Loves to play dress up  

Likes to help Daddy outside

 Favorite Food is Strawberries

Favorite toy is Rapunzel & Sophia doll

 Always talking about her Auntie Taryn's

Favorite Animal is Bear from the Big Blue House

Favorite Song is You're Welcome by Maui

Wants to be Rapunzel when she grows up

Best Friend is Carter, Ali, & Whitty

Favorite book is My Little Pony

Favorite TV Show is PJ Masks

Dad's tickles make her laugh

 Favorite Movie is Tangled 

Afraid of Mother Gothel

Likes to go to the Park

4 Year old Zella...

Loves to play Break the Ice
Likes to help Mom with the Laundry
Favorite Food is Strawberries
Favorite Toy is her new Teddy Bear that sleeps with her
Always talking about Jesus
Favorite Animal my Puppy Mini
Favorite Song is "Mother, I love you"
Wants to be Rapunzel when she grows up
Best Friend is Carter
Favorite Book is Fancy Nancy
Favorite TV Show is Justin Time
Favorite Movie is Tangled
Daddy's tickles make her laugh
Afraid of Monsters in her bedroom
Likes to go the Library

To celebrate Zella had a Fancy Nancy party with her friends. Fancy Nancy is a little curly haired girl that loves everything fancy! They are Zella's favorite books, and we have read everyone our library owns several times. 

The girls had lots of fun! They were asked to come wearing their fanciest outfits. We read a Fancy Nancy book together, they applied pretend makeup, had a fashion show, took fancy pictures, decorated paper fans, and of course had cupcakes and opened presents. 

Zella was so excited to have all her friends celebrate with her, and really enjoyed her party. She had been super excited about it for weeks. I was pretty worn out after it all, and don't think she will have another friend party for several years! 

Our Little Star

Seren; seh-ren, popular welsh name meaning "little star"

Many have asked where we came up with the name Seren. The explanation isn't profound by any means... I like names that are unique, uncommon, and have meaning to us. Our first daughter is named after my grandpa's grandmother Zella, and we just really liked the sound of Jane as a middle name... After we found out our 2nd child would also be a girl, Jon and I knew we wanted her middle name to be Renee after Jonathan's only living grandparent, his Grandma Curtis. So we started searching for names we liked to go with Renee. I found Seren while looking at lists of girl names on pinterest, and I just couldn't quit thinking about it. Jon needed a lot more convincing, but ask him now and he will tell it is the perfect name for her.

Even after her name was pretty much decided upon we didn't tell anyone. It wasn't until after she was named that I realized how many people would have trouble with the pronunciation. We have heard a lot of different variations now... but when people ask, I just tell them it is pronounced "Seren" like in Serendipity... 

We had talked about calling her Ren for short, but every time we did we got a talking to from Zella... She would say, "NO, she is Baby SERen!" After a few months Zella started calling her Baby Ren herself, and decided it was ok for us to as well...

I love the meaning of her name and feel like it's exactly right for her. She is a such sweet baby, and her eyes seem to twinkle. She has also been such a little light in our life, especially after what I felt was such a dark and depressing pregnancy for me. We love our Little Star, she has been the perfect addition to our family.

Seren with her namesake, Grandma Renee Curtis

Seren's "Star" stocking; 

to go with the rest of our homemade stockings

A Day in June

It has been 6 whole months since we welcomed our little one into this world, and I have yet to write about it, so I thought it was about time I did...

As most of you know I struggled with major depression while pregnant with our second child, if you haven't read about it you can here... In consequence, I had a really hard time connecting or identifying with this new little girl growing inside me... On the flipside when I was pregnant with our first daughter I had ALL the FEELS... I could picture her, I could see myself being her Mama, and I felt like I already knew her. Suffering mentally like I did the second time around I just felt SO different. I doubted my ability to mother another child, and she felt like a little alien to me. I think this drastically impacted my experience when she was born. Of course I imagined it would be much like the first time, an overwhelming feeling that you've known each other for years, an instant love, and bond... 

Well the day came to meet this little one on Saturday June 17th 2017. My anxiety was sky high just as it had been most my pregnancy, my doctor was out of town, so an on call doctor would be caring for us. This time I was Strep-B positive so when we arrived at the hospital around 2pm they started the antibiotics we needed, and wouldn't let much happen or progress until I had the full 4 hours. After we achieved that I had Dr. Foss break my water, I was 4cm. I carried on very uncomfortably for an hour or so when my Mom reminded me, "You are not trying to have this baby naturally so why not just get the epidural now?" So I did. I was checked again and was still only 4cm... 

It was 11pm by now and the nurse said, "Well it looks like this baby will be born tomorrow unless you are ready to push in less than 20min." Well someone must have been listening, because at 11:20pm I was fully dilated and baby's head was there waiting. The doctor was called, and we got prepped. Once Dr. Foss arrived she informed me it wasn't going to take much to get this baby here. At the next contraction I gave one little push and she was born at 11:38pm. She was instantly put on my chest, and I waited for all those feelings... but they didn't come. I knew I loved her, I knew she was mine, and I wanted her with all my heart, but I didn't have those feelings. So I turned to my husband to watch his expressions. I asked him and my mom repeatedly, "What do you think?" And I tried to soak in this precious special moment I had waited 9 months for. 

I had completely forgotten how small these babies come because she seemed SO tiny to me. I was just sure she had to be smaller than her older sister when she was born. I couldn't believe it when she weighed exactly the same as her sister, 6lbs 8oz, and 19 1/4 inches long, just a little shorter than big sister. She immediately started smacking her little mouth trying to suckle, it was so sweet. It was a moment you never want to forget. She had lots of hair, a squished little nose, and lips you couldn't help but kiss. Soon after delivery we were moved to another room, and I tried to wrap my head around what had just happened. 

The next day big sister came to meet her, it was a very special moment. The first thing she did was run to me and sat down on the bed right next to me. She gave me lots of hugs and loves, and I marveled at how instantly older and bigger she seemed. I think she was a little concerned about me. She asked a lot of questions about the bands around my wrists, and the IV in my arm. She sat and stroked me like she was worried I was hurt or something, it was very sweet. Her Dad asked, "What are you going to do when you hold the baby?" and she said, "I gunna rock her." When my Mom brought over our new little bundle I literally watched her jaw drop and heard a little gasp escape her mouth. She gave her some sweet little kisses, and asked if we could take her home. She also really liked the bow on her hat. 

Soon after a dear friend of ours came to capture some of these precious moments for us. I will cherish these pictures forever. It's a time we can never get back, and so I am grateful we have some nice photos to remember it all by. Then the family started coming to meet the new baby. I was still in this funk, and felt so overwhelmed by everything. I kept all these feelings to myself, I couldn't admit I was having a hard time. 

Days went by and of course as I cared and sacrificed for this new little baby the bond I expected to be immediate grew. Just as I couldn't imagine life with her before, I can't imagine life without her now. My depression and anxiety is much better controlled since then, and I have been thoroughly enjoying our sweet baby. 

It was when a friend shared with me her postpartum depression troubles that I felt comfortable enough to share with her my feelings when our child was born. It was hard for me to admit because I felt like less of a Mom for having felt the way I did. She shared with me a TED talk she had recently listened to about "Parenting Taboos" one of them being, "You can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby in the first minute" it was like I could take a breath of fresh air for the first time again. If others have felt this way, I must not be the only one, and I am not a bad Mom for it. 

So there it is... here I am being vulnerable again, hoping by sharing, just as my friend did with me, that it will help someone who might feel as I did. Being a Parent is hard, being a Mom is hard, and cutting myself some slack is even harder. So just remember to be kind to yourself, that is my everyday reminder.