This time last year...

This time last year we found out we were expecting our second child, such a blessing. Of course not soon after I started feeling miserable with morning sickness and everything else that comes along with pregnancy... but I expected all this, I had done it once before. What made my second pregnancy so much harder? 

Well, you always hear about postpartum depression, but what about those who suffer with it during pregnancy? I did really well emotionally during my first pregnancy, and assumed I would be fine again, but this wasn't the case. 

At first it was just the everyday overall not feeling well physically, then I figured it was the added stress of the holidays, potty training my 2 year old, church callings, and then an abnormally long rough winter... but I soon found myself in a deep depression. 

It was so much harder experiencing this depression than any of the other times in my life, because this time I was suppose to be happy right? I was carrying a tiny miracle, something not everyone gets the opportunity to do. Our baby was growing, developing, and thriving, something not all babies do... I had a sweet little toddler, and a selfless husband that loved me unconditionally. So why was I having such a hard time? I felt like I had no reason to feel the way I was feeling, and it was hard. 

I withdrew from everyone and everything... I had such a hard time being "Mom" to Zella, and felt guilty for it. I worried and fretted over how I could possibly be a mother of two children when I felt like I was failing at the one I had, would I even love this new little one? Another thing I struggled with was seeing everyone's seemingly perfect happy lives on social media... so I withdrew from that too... I frankly just didn't care about anything anymore. 

When I realized what bad of shape I was in, I was in crisis... After a lot of convincing from my sweet patient Jon, I decided to help myself... 

What did I do?

-First I contacted my OBGYN, and started some medication. 
-Then I started to see a licensed therapist. 
-I let people help me, and tried not to feel guilty or bad about it. 
-I found an exercise routine that I could comfortably do while pregnant... Water aerobics, it seriously saved me. 
-I made a "Self Care" list, and was diligent about keeping my own tank full.
-I opened up and talked about my feelings with others close to me.
-And took a little trip to visit a sweet friend and enjoy some vitamin D.

I was surprised by how many people were understanding and loving towards my situation. In my mind I didn't think anyone would be sympathetic, I felt like I had no "real" reasons to feel the way I was feeling. I had no "excuse" so why would anyone cut me any slack? 

I've always known I am overly hard on myself, it is something I am continually working on. Trying to be patient and loving with myself... I am sure many can relate. As I sit and think back on that hard time for me, I wonder if this particular trial was another way my Heavenly Father was trying to help me learn to love me for who I am, imperfections and all. 

Of course this last General Conference, I felt like all the talks were directed at me... I knew these Apostles of Christ were telling me just what He wanted me to hear... 

When Sister Jones talked about our "Value Beyond Measure" here
and when Elder Holland said, "We should avoid that latter excessive expectation of ourselves and of others" here... and lastly when Elder Stevenson talked about harmful comparisons when he said this, "Comparing our own seemingly average existence with others’ well-edited, perfectly crafted lives as represented on social media may leave us with feelings of discouragement, envy, and even failure" here... 

So if you are like me, struggling, and feeling like no one else is... let me help you see, like I have, everyone has "something." Be kind to yourself... and I'll try and take my own advice too. 

I am happy to say I am doing much better, our new addition, of course has brought more joy into our lives, if that were possible. We love our girls and cherish them, even on the hard days. Transitioning to two kids hasn't been easy, I still struggle, but don't we all... I am just glad to be in a better place, doing and enjoying the things I love again... like blogging;)

I wanted to share all of this because I really appreciate people being "real" and vulnerable... and it is happening more and more all the time. It helps me truly connect to people when I can relate to the hard things we all are experiencing. 

Also those that went through this with me, thank you. I wouldn't have made it here without you...