"Love"
As most of you know we shared our struggle with pornography addiction on a blog called "Toss the Taboo. You can read it here.
After that post we were invited by LDS Media to be apart of a talk segment on the Mormon Channel. You can listen to that here.
We wanted to continue to share so we started an instagram account called @fightingforourforever
We've been sharing things we have learned throughout our journey, and most recently over the last few weeks we have been sharing the details of "Our Story"-- We know not everyone has instagram... and we have had some people ask if we were going to share more... So we thought we would post the full story we shared on instagram here for those of you that are interested...
Everyone has a story, and everyone's story is different- Through our next several posts we will share the details of our journey. We hope by doing this we will help others find the hope, peace, and healing we continue to enjoy from seeking a lifetime of recovery.
My addiction started long before I met Holli. It was in my early adolescence that my curiosity about the sexual nature of a women's body was peaked. I saw a magazine with models in chocolate only dresses on the cover while at the check out stand with my parents. I wondered if that was really all they were wearing and what was underneath all that chocolate? This led to some searching on my own, and I quickly discovered the world of pornography. Masturbation soon accompanied the viewing of pornography, although at the time I didn't even know there was a word to describe what I had started doing. All I knew was that it felt good. It took awhile before my parents realized what was happening on our home computer. So they installed filtering which helped for awhile, but I was soon back at it finding ways around the filtering. I knew it was bad, but I was so afraid of what others would think of me that I kept it a secret. I didn't want to let anyone down. I wanted to please everyone. My behaviors tore at my self worth, I often felt like no one cared about me and pornography became a way for me to escape that pain and instead feel temporary pleasure. I hated all the lying, but thinking about the judgements of others always kept me from saying anything even when it came to my interviews with church leaders. I would always commit to myself that I would stop, that I could fix this on my own and that no one would have to know. I could just stop all of this and leave that life behind me and move on, but that never lasted. Pornography always found its way back in my life. It had become the way I was dealing with my feelings.
Before I met Jon I had my own personal struggles. I suffered from a very low sense of self-worth. I didn't believe in myself, and was very self-conscious. I felt like I was never going amount to much. I always took the blame for anything bad that ever happened in my life even if it was obvious it wasn't my fault. And anything good I did wasn't good enough in my eyes. I also had (and still do have) a very anxious and worrisome personality. When I was 15 I started self-harming to help with these overwhelming feelings and did so on and off for years. I would do anything to inflict pain or discomfort. It even led to withholding food from myself for long periods of time. When I was in my second year of college it was at its all time worst. I tried to get help for the first time but I didn't want anyone I knew finding out. So I went to a therapist on campus and he started me on some anti-depressants, but things just got worse and I found myself admitted to a psychiatric unit after a suicide attempt. It was my rock bottom. I started a journey of my own recovery and finally learning to love myself for who I was. It was a hard and painful process but I made good progress. When I met Jon just 6 months later I felt like I could possibly have a real relationship with someone else- finally being healthy enough myself.
We met the Summer of 2010. It wasn't long before we were a couple. As we continued dating and got more serious Jonathan brought up some of his past. I was very naive to the issue and I don't think either if us knew what a big deal it would be. Jonathan even disclosed to me later that he thought it would've just gone away after we were married, and I think I believed that lie too. We started talking about marriage and we both decided the LDS Temple was our goal, but at that time it was out of our reach. We both started the process of repentance and worked so hard towards obtaining Temple Recommends. Jon proposed and we set a date to be married in the Bountiful Temple July 16, 2011 and we were determined to get there!
The day finally came, we made it! Being sealed to Jonathan in the Temple was everything I had hoped it would be and more. All of our family was there to support us and showed us so much love. I felt as if nothing could ever go wrong. We finally had our happily ever after. Jon got a great job. I was starting my last year in Respiratory School and Jon would continue going to Weber as well. We found a cute little basement apartment close to campus to make our own. Life was pure bliss, or so I thought...
Jon was working swing shift so my nights were spent alone. I can't remember what I had needed to get on his laptop for, but I will never forget what I did find. I was horrified. I will never forget the images and video that played on my husbands computer. That same husband who had assured me all was fine, who took me to the Temple to be sealed to him. I was in complete shock. I still had a long hour to wait until he got home. I sent him one simple text, "We need to talk." When he got home and I confronted him, he tried to convince me he had lent his laptop to a classmate and didn't know how the pornography made it on his computer. I didn't believe him, but he kept insisting he had no clue how it had gotten on his computer. He started getting upset saying, "I can't believe you won't believe me." I hesitantly let it go and we went to bed. I laid there feeling sick to my stomach. Then the thought came to my mind clear as day, "Ask him now, he is ready to tell you the truth." I turned to him and asked him one last time, "Jonathan, have you been lying to me?" In the dark I heard his one simple word, "Yes" My heart instantly sank. The man I had been madly in love with just hours before now felt like a stranger to me. I panicked. I cried, yelled, screamed, and probably even threw something at him. I couldn't be near him. I threw some stuff in a bag and left. All those feelings of inadequacy I had once always felt came flooding back. I told myself I should have known better, how could I have been so dumb? I had always known I would never be good enough. Why had I thought I was good enough for him? An old friend who lived nearby answered my phone call and let me stay with her for the night. I didn't sleep. I just cried.
The following week was a painful blur as the truth slowly came out. He had tried to quit his habit and repent but his efforts soon wore down and he was viewing pornography again, only this time he was engaged and terrified I would call off the wedding if he told me. So the lies continued and he fell into relapse. I was so angry. I felt like I had been tricked. I had worked so hard to be worthy to go to the Temple and all the while he had been lying his way through the process. I sat and fumed over all the times he must have lied to me, not to mention everyone else. I was terrified of this "new" future ahead of us. I just wanted to him to stop! We met with our Bishop and he suggested we attend the free LDS Addiction Recovery Meetings. He gave us the time, place and our workbooks. These meetings were really helpful. We met together with other couples, it was so relieving to see we were not alone in this. I also found women I could relate too. The material was amazing and described Jonathan's behavior to a tee. He was definitely an addict. I took on the role of mother... I pushed him to work the 12 steps, because if he could just hurry and get through those steps everything would be good again, right? I put passwords on EVERYTHING I could think of, and I constantly interrogated his whole day. The more we attended the meetings the more I could see these steps maybe able to help me too. My overwhelming feelings of worthlessness threatened my mind everyday and sadly I had fallen back into my old habits and behaviors a few times to deal with the emotions. So I started trying to work the 12 steps too, I thought maybe my example would encourage Jon to do the same. After several months of attending these meetings I still felt we needed more one on one help from a licensed professional, but as poor newlywed college students there was no way we could do it completely on our own. We turned to our Bishop for some help, but he told us he didn't believe in therapy. I told him I was a firm believer in therapy, that it had helped me so much in the past, and that we would work hard and do our part. e told us just to continue with the Addiction Recovery Meetings. So we did, and I continued to micromanage everything and lived in fear everyday. I had been told in the 12 step program that I couldn't change or control this, but surrendering seemed impossible.
Jonathan continued to reassure me he was doing well. I tried to calm my anxiety with the knowledge that I had all the control. Nothing was "easily" accessible anymore. I went to the temple often wishing my companion could be with me. I longed for the day that I would truly have what I thought I was getting on our wedding day. Going to the temple at all, especially alone, was so hard, but I was blessed to always eventually find the peace I had come looking for. One piece of advice I had gotten during this time was to "bring the temple home" for Jon. So I went with the purpose of bringing something home I could share with him to uplift him as well. The time came for me to graduate from college and I got my first job as a Respiratory Therapist. It required us to move back to our hometown but we didn't mind. We found a little townhouse and life went on. I was excited for the prospects of a new start, new ward, new bishop and being super close to family. We were approaching our first anniversary and one of the most painful things was seeing our wedding photos. I hoped time would heal these open wounds.
It was a week night and we sat on the couch talking about plans for our 1st Anniversary. I expressed how much I wished we could go to the Temple together to celebrate, but we both knew it would be awhile longer before he could get his recommend back. I was planning on going to my exercise class, but really wasn't in the mood. I reluctantly went anyway. I got to the parking lot and decided I really didn't want to go so I turned around for home. Jon wasn't downstairs anymore so I walked upstairs and found him in the act of viewing and masturbating to pornography. He saw me and I threw my ring at him (I've been known for my theatrics) and ran out of that house as fast as I could. My mother didn't live far and I cried all the way to her house. She must have thought someone had died they way I was acting when I got to her house. When I finally calmed down a bit I told what had happened and said I couldn't go back. She went back to my house and got some of my stuff. She said Jon hadn't been home when she got there. I didn't care where he was. This discovery was so much different. I think this was when the severity of our situation really sunk in. It felt dooming. I felt if I stayed I would be sentencing myself to this crazy addict trauma roller coaster. I had no hope. I couldn't see how anything could get any better. I felt I had tried and it obviously didn't work. I had lost what little confidence and trust I had. He had lied to me yet again. I was scared and very vulnerable. I would stay at my moms and not get the courage to go back for almost a week.
I had been caught in this trap again for a couple months now and was keeping it from Holli. I had noticed her put a password into her phone and wondered if it could be the same one she had used on my computer. I was right, and as soon as enough triggers and stressors hit I was back at my addiction. I thought I had found recovery, but I would later find out I was missing some essential tools. My life and behaviors had not changed enough, and it was easy for pornography to slip back in. I had not been willing to do EVERYTHING in my power even uncomfortable or embarrassing things, but I was now. Holli leaving and throwing her ring at me really made me realize I could lose everything I loved and cared about in my life to pornography. It was my "rock bottom." I called my Dad and told him we needed to talk. We met each other and I told him what had happened. He urged me to get in touch with our bishop as soon as possible. We were still new enough to our Ward that we hadn't had the opportunity to meet with him yet so he knew nothing. After calling I found out he was out of town for the next couple weeks. So my Dad helped me get the number to the stake secretary and I got an appointment with our stake president. I sent off a message to Holli letting her know and that I hoped she would join me. My Dad came home with me and took my computer and other electronics to remove the immediate temptations. Before he left we prayed together. Then I was all alone. I laid in my empty bed thinking- What have I done? What is going to happen to our marriage? At that point I really didn't know. I had already made the decision that no matter what happened with Holli and I, I would overcome this addiction. I was committed to myself and God. I would do whatever it took to fight this for good.
I was planning to meet with Jon and the Stake President. I wanted to go home but I was nervous to be around my own husband. I didn't feel safe. Unknowingly at the time I made boundaries. Except I was calling them my requirements to come home... I asked Jon if he and his parents would meet me in the park before our meeting with the Stake President. We sat at a park bench and I explained my requirements to Jon and his parents. Some of them were that Jon would agree to participate in marriage counseling, that he would give me time and space whatever that may be, and that he would actively work on recovery on his own or I wasn't willing to stay. After we left for our meeting. Our Stake President was truly heaven sent. He made me feel validated, loved, and worth while. He expressed his love and the love the Savior has for the both of us. Over the next few years of his service as president he would give us lots of valuable advice, and still to this day asks us how we are doing from time to time. He agreed to help us get counseling with LDS Family Services. He also said he would update our Bishop on what was going on with us, but that we could continue seeing him as often as we wanted so we didn't have to go through everything a second time when our Bishop returned home. I was relieved, but I still had the task of going home in front of me. It was late and I got ready for bed, but I couldn't bring myself to get in our bed even if Jon wasn't in it. So I opted to sleep on the couch. It would be weeks before I would be comfortable in the same bed as him, and even longer before any intimacy would return. I was glad Jon was respecting of these requirements I had made. Having this time and space to focus on me was vital. Any interaction with Jon required all my energy. I was exhausted. And things for me would get worse before better...
Our 1st appointment with our therapist would be on our 1st anniversary. How ironic? Only married a year and we are already in counseling. After learning more about us and our current situation he shared a few things with me that stuck out. He said that I should do something just for me everyday, that I should give my worries to God, and that even though I can't trust Jon right now I can trust the Lord. Things he shared with Jon that he remembers were that mistakes are what we do not what we are, sexual addiction is not just a bad habit- but is like a drug in how it changes the brain, and the Atonement has paid the price for sins already, there is hope and healing through the Atonement. I was glad we were finally getting some qualified help. My anxiety was out of control most of the time. It took all of my energy just to try and act normal. It wasn't long after this second discovery that I started feeling nauseous and threw up all the time. I figured something had to be wrong. I couldn't keep anything down. I saw my doctor and the first thing they ruled out was pregnancy. Then I had every test done on my gall bladder. It was fine. They sent me to a GI specialist and I had an endoscopy, but everything came back normal. I was missing work or leaving early a lot because I was so sick. It was hard to function. One night I ended up in the ER it had gotten so bad. I was so dehydrated they gave me fluids and anti-nausea medication. They ran all the panels which of course came back normal and sent me home. As we were leaving I had to stop every few minutes to vomit. I was so sick and exhausted. Meeting with our therapist again I told him of all my troubles. He said that I suffering from PTSD and being physically ill was one of the ways my anxiety was exhibiting itself. I told him I wasn't making myself sick, this wasn't in my head. That most of the time I was sick I hadn't even had a trigger. He told me it didn't matter. That all the stress and trauma I was experiencing was the reason for my physical symptoms. He talked to us about how to desensitize these traumatic events that were causing the PTSD. The more we talk about it the less traumatic it will feel, so talk and talk some more. Don't let things bottle up. We also met with our stake president again and he gave me such a powerful priesthood blessing. Things slowly got better, but I would still have days I would be really sick. Jon felt terrible as he watched me not only emotionally but physically suffer from his choices. He worked hard on his own recovery and continued to respect my boundaries.
HOLLI- It was explained to us that a relapse was when acting out occurs, but after the addict goes into hiding once again, but a slip was if acting out occurs and then the addict confesses that slip as soon as possible, staying in the light and taking appropriate steps back on the road of recovery. So when Jon had his first "Slip" as devastating as it was once again... I felt as if we were headed in the right direction. It was the first time he had actually came to me with the problem instead of hiding and lying to me- and then eventually having to find out myself... When we talked to our therapist about this slip he was much more harsh than I was expecting... He really put the fear of God into Jon. He read him this warning from the Family Proclamation, "We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." He continued to tell us this wasn't "only" a slip, it was a step in the wrong direction, and that he didn't want to take any chances. Jon was immediately enrolled in a small separate therapist ran support group for sexual addicts. It was an intense therapy group, but would be so beneficial for him.
JON- I feel like my therapy group was just what I needed to finally find long lasting recovery. I learned a lot about my specific triggers and stressors and how to recognize and combat them. I learned a whole new way of thinking about my addiction. As apart of my therapy I made a list of "inhibitors" reasons why I wanted to stay away from pornography. #1- I want to hold a temple recommend, and be able to attend worthily. #2- I do not want to continue to hurt myself and others physically, spiritually and emotionally. #3- I like how I feel happy and all around better about myself, I like feeling like I have more control over my thoughts and actions. I do not want to go back to the darkness I felt before. #4- I want my marriage to last. I want it to be a happy fulfilling healthy marriage, and that cannot happen when my addiction is present. #5- I want to be a worthy priesthood holder. Someone who can be looked up to as an example of trying to be righteous, I want to be a good father, and be able to fulfill my family responsibilities. I keep this list of inhibitors along with the warning from the Family Proclamation in my wallet, that way it is always close if I need a reminder of why I do not want to return to old behaviors. I am grateful everyday our therapist woke me up to the extreme dangers of the path I was on. I thank God everyday for His help in fighting this addiction. I'm in awe of my Savior and His all powerful Atonement that has given me the opportunity to repent and find forgiveness. I'm humbled for the forgiveness that has been extended to me from those I hurt the most. I am happy to say I haven't gone back into a relapse, and that slip on September 18, 2012 was the last time I have indulged in my addiction. I work hard everyday to keep it this way.
Many of you may have heard the saying, "The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety it's connection." On our journey of recovery we've found this to be true. Jon was doing well with his sobriety. He was learning more about his addiction and how to handle life's triggers and stressors appropriately. But just because Jon wasn't acting out, didn't mean all our problems automatically went away. I like to think that our relationship was at ground zero. Everything that we had built had been destroyed by the plague of pornography. We had to learn how to rebuild. Our therapist suggested we go without intimacy for awhile to give us the time and space we needed to heal. I was already sleeping on the couch, and couldn't even dream of being in the same bed at this point, so the decision didn't seem hard for me. This time was actually good for the both of us. We were able to communicate and connect in ways beyond just physically. With my boundaries in place I felt safe enough to share real raw emotions with Jon. He learned how to respond to my pain in loving supportive ways. This was the time we started praying for each other. Jon and I would plead with God in each other's behalf. It was beautiful and sincere. After some time we started breathing exercises our therapist taught us. We would lie down next to each other and hold hands. Then we would breathe in through the nose 1,2,3 and hold, then out the mouth 1,2,3. We would only think about matching each other's breaths so we were in synch, thinking about the beating of our hearts. It was vital for me to share these calming experiences with the person who had caused so much pain. The more and more we would talk, breathe, and pray with each other the less anxiety I would have. Slowly things began to improve even physically. We continued to find more ways to connect. We started our Love Journal. We made sure to share all our feelings big or small. It wasn't fair to either of us to shut down or break the lines of communication. We would have meaningful real talks everyday. One thing our therapist asked us to do was to find an activity we could do together. Something neither of us had much experience in or opinion about. Something neutral that we could always share just the two of us. We thought long and hard and came up with family history work. Neither of us had ever really tried to get into it, so we started the ball rolling. It was exciting and fun to find the missing pieces of our family trees. We soon found a pile of names needing temple work. It wasn't too much longer that Jonathan was able to help complete that work in the temple with me. What a sobering experience that was... I thought I would be a little more reserved or triggered by our first trip back to the temple together, but I couldn't have been happier. I had to work to contain my pure joy every time I would look over and see the changed man I had been wanting to see there for so long...
We all know marriage takes work. So when everything came out we were faced with a choice, just like you are with any trial. We could either learn, grow, and become closer because of it or we could let it tear us apart. With us both working recovery and connecting on new levels we have built a stronger marriage. We have tools now we wouldn't have found in any other way. We've heard this from others and we feel the same way... That we wouldn't wish this trial on anyone, but we couldn't have gotten a marriage this open, strong, or connected any other way. Trials can truly become blessings in our lives. We are grateful for the opportunity this has as given us to work on ourselves and our marriage.
Our life looks very different than it once did because now we are both living a life of recovery. My life used to be full of hurt, trauma, and pain. His life was surrounded in shame, triggers, and lust. We have been able to move away from the fear and blame and we have watched our relationship grow into a new one, that looks completely different. We feel closer than ever, we feel safe with each other in every aspect. We have developed strong emotional intimacy and openness in all aspects of life. We have learned to reach to each other for our needs. Our past doesn't scare or overwhelm us anymore and because of that neither does our future. We look forward to what comes our way, and we continue to prepare ourselves and others. Everyday we work on our relationship because we are committed to recovery for a lifetime. We feel honored to share our story, and will continue to share our journey. We hope we have helped just one. Just remember there is hope.❤️
